Advice for my Dad who lost my Mom a year ago and has MSA

13-Jun-2011 10:23 PM

McPhee

Posts: 3

annie garner

13-Jun-2011 10:29 PM

McPhee

Posts: 3

I care for my 87 year old Dad who was married to my Mom for 63 years and who has been in a fog of grief since she died a year ago. He was diagnosed with MSA about three years ago. His five children have all noticed that he is wallowing in self pity and cannot get out of himself. We are all caring, loving children and do everything we can to make his life bearable. But we have all gotten to the point where we can't stand to be around him because he complains and wants us to pity him and is very demanding and not very grateful. My question is - is there ever a case where someone is entitled to be filled with self pity? In other words, I still feel sorry for my Dad because of his great loss and his disease, but I am wondering if he just CANNOT think of other people and try just a bit to think of others. Perhaps his brain chemistry from MSA is preventing him from getting out of his self-centered world? Thank you for reading this.

16-Jun-2011 02:54 AM

Not Available

Posts: 54

The grief of losing someone that has been your spouse is very hard and with your Dad and Mom being married for so many years it's as if she had been apart of his life forever. So his not just grieving for himself having MSA & his lost there but also for the part of her that was also his life. I lost my husband in 2003 to MSA & I also found that I wasn't just grieving for the lost of my husband , but also for me because I didn't know who I was anymore. I wasn't a wife any longer or someone who took care of him. I found I had stages to the grief and it took many years to get over it and start to move on. I know you may not understand how he is feeling right now, but his got so much going on it will take time. It may help comfort him & get him over his grieving by having him tell stories of their life together and maybe keeping a journal of those stories.
In my case the first year after my husband passing was kind of a denial , not really thinking it had happen. The second year I found harder then the first. The third year was better but there were still those things that could cause a wave of grieve and no matter what it could bring you to tears.

I wish I could give you more advice that would help, but the only advice I can give is it will take time for him to.

Vera

16-Jun-2011 06:55 PM

McPhee

Posts: 3

Vera - I am so very, very grateful that you took the time to reply to my post. I am so sorry you lost your beloved husband to MSA. I know it is true that no one grieves in the same way. Your grief journey sounds heart-wrenching. I understand when you say that you didn't know who you were after having been a wife for so many years. I know my Dad feels that way, and I am glad you mentioned that because it gives me deeper insight into my Dad's state of being.

I will show your response to my brothers and sisters. It seems that maybe we are expecting too much of my Dad, too soon, although maybe we aren't completely wrong in thinking that he would be so much happier focusing on all his blessings: his love story with my Mom; his five adoring and supportive children; the fact that he is able to remain in his home with a full-time caregiver; and just in general the fact that he has had an amazing life filled with people who love him and incredible, world-wide adventures.

I suppose the most difficult part of dealing with our Dad is that our Mom was so nurturing and grateful about everything in her life, even though she went through a brutal fight with cancer. She always thought of everyone else but herself, and my Dad is the opposite. He is demanding and manipulative and it is a miserable nightmare to be around him.

I say this with a heart full of love for my Dad, and a heart full of compassion as well. Something is telling me that if he could just accept his disease, and begin, even in small ways, to focus on other people, he himself would be much happier and could find some peace. But maybe he needs more time. He is just so much more fortunate than so many people on this earth, and we wish he could focus on his blessings, even now in some small way.

Thank you again, Vera, and I wish you love,

McPhee